GOODBYE LETTER

                                    BY SARA STILIANOS     

DEAR DRUG ADDICTION,

TO EVEN TRY AND ATTEMPT TO WRITE THIS LETTER 71 DAYS AGO, I WOULD HAVE NEVER THOUGHT OF PUTTING PEN TO PAPER, TO EVEN BELIEVE I COULD BE READY TO OFFICIALLY ALLOW MYSELF TO BREAK UP THE RELATIONSHIP THAT WAS ON AND WAS OFF FOR 15 YEARS OF MY LIFE, SINCE I WAS 12 YEARS OLD, UP UNTIL NOW, 27 YEARS OLD, I FOUGHT HARD FOR YOU, I FOUGHT TO REMAIN FREE FROM YOU, BUT NO MATTER HOW MUCH I NEEDED TO WALK AWAY FROM YOU, AS YOU WERE TOXIC TO ME IN ABSOLUTLEY EVERYWAY, YOU KEPT ME UNDER YOUR EVIL CHARM AND I KEPT COMING BACK TO YOU.

YOU TOOK FROM ME, MY CHILDREN, MY FAMILY, MY LOVED ONES, MULTIPLE HOMES, YOU TOOK MY SPIRIT, MY DREAMS, MY GOALS, YOU STOLE MY HEART AND WERE WILLING TO WATCH ME DIE, YOU ENCOURAGED ME TO COMMIT CRIMES AND YOU WERE THE REASON I LOST EVERYTHING.

YOU CAUSED MY BEING TO BREAK AND PUT ME BEHIND BARS, YOU TOLD ME YOU WOULD PROTECT ME, NOTHING WOULD GO WRONG, YOU WERE MY ONE TRUE LOVE, BUT YOU DIDN’T EVER LOVE ME, THAT’S THE TRUTH WITH THE LOVE IN OUR RELATIONSHIP, YOU TOOK MY MOST PRECIOUS LOVE AWAY FROM ME, TIME AND TIME AGAIN, THAT BEING MY OWN FLESH AND BLOOD, THE BIGGEST, MOST PRECIOUS PART OF ME, THE GIFT I WAS ABLE TO SHARE WITH THE WORLD, MY BEAUTIFUL CHILDREN.

WHEN I WAS WITHOUT YOU I COULD PROVE THE UNCONDITIONAL LOVE I HAVE FOR MY CHILDREN, BUT AGAIN, WAS TAKEN OVER BY THE ADDICTION OF YOU, AS WAS EVERYTHING I VALUE AND CHERISH MOST, INCLUDING MYSELF, SPIRITUALLY, EMOTIONALLY, PHYSICALLY, MENTALLY, FINANCIALLY AND YOU WOULDN’T LEAVE ME ALONE AND ALLOW ME TO DISCOVER A LIFE, A WORLD, WITHOUT YOU.

I BELIEVED I NEEDED YOU TO SURVIVE, THAT YOU WERE HEALING ME FROM YEARS OF TRAUMA, PAIN, LOSS, NEGLECT, ABUSE, ABANDONMENT AND MORE, THAT YOU GAVE ME THE STRENGTH EACH DAY TO LIVE, WHILST ENCOURAGING ME TO ONLY LIVE DEVOTED TO YOU, NO MATTER THE CONSEQUENCES FROM THE DISTRUCTIVE PATH OF WHAT OUR RELATIONSHIP HAD LED ME THROUGH. I NEVER THOUGHT I WOULD BE ABLE TO BREAK FREE FROM YOUR CHAINS, FROM THE LOCKS YOU HAD KEPT AROUND MY MIND, FROM BELIEVING I WOULD BE STRONG ENOUGH TO NO LONGER BE PRISONER TO YOUR MANIPULATION, LIES, BETRAYAL AND DECIETFUL WAYS, THE SELFISH ACTIONS, THE FEAR OF LIVING LIFE WITHOUT YOU IN IT AND ALSO WITHIN ME, CONTROLLING ALL ASPECTS OF IT INTERNALLY AND EXTERNALLY.

I WILL FORGIVE YOU FOR THE DAMAGE, AS MY RELATIONSHIP WITH YOU HAS FINALLY TAUGHT ME EXACTLY WHAT I DON’T WANT AND HAS GIVEN ME LIFE EXPERIENCE TO ABLE MYSELF THE OPPORTUNITY TO NOW USE TOWARDS SUPPORTING OTHERS AND MAINTAINING MY LIFE IN RECOVERY, ONE DAY AT A TIME. I DON’T NEED OR WANT YOU BACK IN MY LIFE, IN A RELATIONSHIP OF ANY SORT, BUT I AM GRATEFUL, I NOW HAVE THE STRENGTH WITHIN ME TO FINALLY SAY GOODBYE, YOU WERE THE MOST ABUSIVE, TRAUMATIC, DAMAGING AND CONTROLLING RELATIONSHIP, AND LIFE EXPERIENCE, AND IM PROUD TO FINALLY LET YOU GO AFTER ALL OF THESE YEARS, MY MOST CRUCIAL YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT, YOU WERE INSIDE ME, BESIDE ME, TAKING ME FOR A RIDE, I’VE NOW CHOSEN TO NEVER JUMP BACK ON BOARD THE ROLLERCOASTER OF HELL YOU FORCED ME ON.

SAYING GOODBYE TO YOU NOW, 70 DAYS INTO MY RECOVERY, I DON’T FEEL AT ALL SAD IN THE SLIGHTEST, AS YOU DON’T, WHEN YOU HAD ME IN YOUR GRIP, AS YOU STILL HAVE MANY WITHIN YOUR GRIP AND I HOPE MY EXPERIENCE AND MY RECOVERY TOGETHER CAN LOOSEN THAT GRIP AND ALLOW OTHERS TO SEE THE BEAUTY OF LIFE, WITHOUT YOU NO LONGER CONTROLLING IT, JUST AS I AM.

IM NOT GRIEVING YOU, I NEVER WILL, NOT ANYMORE, I DO NOT LOVE YOU, YOU ARE EVIL AND YOU ARE NOW ONLY A MEMORY, NOTHING MORE, NOTHING LESS.

GOODBYE FOR GOOD, MY DRUG ADDICTION.

P.S: I CAN NOW BEGIN TO SPREAD MY WINGS, AND FLY HIGH, NATURALLY, THANK YOU.

 

 

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